Samurai 7 The true Story
by YukirinSnow
Summary: You've heared the Rumors you've Heard the Legends..Well we are here to tell you that YOU ARE WRONG! strictly humor no offense intended and no mary sueing!
1. The Black Samurai

Haku: HELLO VIEWERS AND WELCOME TO HAKU'S CORNER!

llama: haku's corner what kind of name is that?

Hajkku: Oh okay welcome to a tortured llama's co-

Llama: WAIT I CHANGED MY MIND!!

Haku: I thought you would.

Haku: Anyways!! hope you enjoy!! LLAMA DISCLAIMER!

Llama:.......We don't own samurai 7 but one day we will.

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You've heared the Rumors you've Heard the Legends..Well we are here to tell you that

YOU ARE WRONG!!

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Chapter 1: The Black Samurai?

The forest was in a calming state no one could be seen or heard but there was probley a definet presence lingering here and there. Of course the Black Samurai(or gorobei as we like to call him) paid it no mind as he stood his station. He noticed someone begin to approach.

"Hello I am Katsushiro and I-" said the small green haired Samurai only to be interrupted.

"NONE SHALL PASS!" answered Gorobei jamming his Katana into the soft dirt.

"But I really need to get to-"

"NONE SHALL PASS!"

"But Kira-"

"NONE SHALL PASS!"

Katsushiro hung his head in shame,"I am sorry Kirara-dono i have failed you" and thus the little green haired samurai went to commit hari-kiri in shame.

Silence came again and Gorbei continued waiting and watching.

Another samurai else approached.

"Domo Domo! I am Heihachi and I-"

"NONE SHALL PASS"

"Oh..okay! then I'll just try the guy with the pink bunny ears and tutu over there." thus the samurai known as Heihachi pranced off.

Gorobei continued his watch.

A whirring sound reached his ears and the sound of metal klunking againest metal was heard.

"Hello I am Kikunoji THE GREAT SAMURAI! and this is Komachi we would like to-"

" NONE SHALL PASS!"

"Too bad" The Samurai Kikunoji picked up Gorobei the black night and moved him stepping past him he placed the black Samurai back in place.

"Well...Apprarently you can pass" answered Gorobei before resuming his position as the metal Samurai walked off.

Silence yet again reached Gorobei the forest was rather busy today. When a man with windmill like hair approached.

"Hello I am shichijiro and I-" he was interrupted like all the rest.

"NONE SHALL PASS!"

"But I really need to get by!"

"NONE SHALL PASS!"

"I'll pay you if you let me go by?"

"NONE SHAL- how much?"

Gorobei smied pocketing the ten pieces of gold as the wind mill Samurai went by.

Time passed and soon a Samurai dressed in white approached.

"None shal- oh hey Kambei go on through."

The samurai did as told.

Gorobei sat again he was sort of getting tired of this...maybe he should of rethunk his job ideals.

Then silently as a wraith the last samurai made his way through the forest cover into Gorobei's path.

"....."

"NONE SHALL PASS!"

"........................"

"NONE SHALL PASS!"

"kyuzo...."

" NONE SHALL----OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!!"

Thus dear Gorobei was left limbless yelling after the samurai dressed in red.

"Get back here!! I'll bite your bloody legs off!"

But the Samurai didn't stop so Gorobei sat there rethinking what he should do.

Then our dear green haired friend came wandering back shamefully not being able to commit hara-kiri deciding he didn't want to die a virgin.

"Oh..no one is here anymore." he began to pass when suddenly he screamed falling down," MY LEGS YOU BIT MY LEGS!"

"I TOLD YOU I'D BITE YOUR BLOODY LEGS OFF!" yelled Gorobei back attempting to eat Katsushiro's legs off. Our Red headed Rice Samurai came walking by on the other side breifly stopping to yell.

" YOU SHOULD OF TRIED THE GUY WITH THE BUNNY EARS AND TUTU."

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Haku: did we just really write that?

Llama: yes..yes..we did..

Haku: are we sane?

Llama: no you are not..

Haku: i guess its the- hey!! your not sane either.

Llama: i am not sane but i'm not insane either..

Haku: .:: sigh::. please review and lets us know more to come!! oh WHAT REALLY HAPPENED..lol


	2. Was that bridge there before

Haku: welcome back to the second half of our special!

Llama: no one wants to be here *grumbles*

Haku: *strikes llama with lightning*

Llama: ack! *FFZZZZZZT*

Haku: without further interruption, Here is our other theory of what REALLY happened. Now if my lovely assistant will read the disclaimer, we will begin.

Llama: *reads*

Haku: Out loud.

Llama: *rolls eyes* We have no ownership of Samurai 7 or Monty Python, if we did that would be so cool.

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A group of seven valiant samurai trekked along the mountain side, each with a Katana of some sort strapped to their waist or back—or staff—, and each with their own distinguishing aura about them. The level of deaths at their swords differs but one thing is certain, they are wonderful and powerful samurai.

"Stop." A scraggily, old, cranky voice glared at them, "Whom hath cross the Bridge Of Death must answer me these questions three where the other side he see."

The first brave samurai stepped forth, tall, silent, blonde and in a long red coat. His two swords in their sheath on his back for easy access, top one on his left shoulder and other his right hip.

"Whaaaat!" The old voice crackled, "Is your name?"

"Kyuzo." A deep voice from the blonde, while fingering the hilt of the right Katana lightly.

"Whaaaat! Is your quest?"

Kyuzo didn't reply, only looked away, "Kyuzo."

"Whaaat! Will you do if I keep asking you questions?"

A smirk crept along Kyuzo's lips, and his eyes darted back to the old man in amusement of hearing fear in him, his hand gripped the hilt in warning, ready to slide the blade out in blinding speed and slice through the old geezer's neck.

"Okay, you may pass."

Kyuzo walked past him in triumph, and that set certain expectations to the rest of the samurai, as the next contender stepped up.

"Stop," He repeated, "Whom hath cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three where the other side he see."

"I'm ready!" Katsushiro, a young, green-haired samurai with few kills under his belt beamed confidently.

"Whaaat!" Annoying after a while, eh? "Is your name?"

"Katsushiro," He replied confidently.

"Whaaat! Is you quest?

"Protecting The Kanna Village from the bandits," Katsushiro replied boldly.

"Whaaaat! Is your favorite color?"

"Pink-No! Wait, why did I say thaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!"

All of a sudden, a small explosion happened below Katsushiro's feet and catapulted him over the edge of the cliff into the Gorge of Eternal Peril below.

"GREEN IS MY FAVORITE COLOR!" The echo of his voice was heard before silence.

"I think I'll take this challenge," A slightly short red haired, rice loving, wood chopping samurai stepped forth.

"Stop, Whom hath cross the bridge of-"

"Must you repeat that?" Heihachi asked politely, "It wastes time…"

"…Very well Samurai… Answer me these questions three and I'll let you pass the bridge of Death." Seems the old coot got his point across anyway.

"Whaaat! Is your name?"

"Heihachi."

"Whaaaat! Is your quest?"

"To eat as much rice as I can."

"Whaaaat! Is Twenty-eight divided by seven?"

"Thirteen."

"Oh….That is right. Y-You may pass," The old coot blinked, surprised the samurai had actually answered correctly.

A loud thump, and the ground shook when Kikunoji stepped forth, with a young female on his shoulder, "Ask away bridge keeper! I, the great Samurai Kikunoji, am not afraid!"

"Whaaat! Is your name?"

"Kikunoji!"

"I'm Komachi!" The little girl grinned.

"Whaaaat! Is your quest?"

"To protect Kanna Village… And to prove to little Komachi here what a great Samurai I am!"

"YAY!"

"Whaaaat! Is your favorite color?"

"Red."

"That's a lie," Komachi crossed her arms smugly, "Kikunoji, you liar!"

A light crackle was felt under Kikunoji's feet and he set Komachi on the ground in a hurry, and just in time to be sky rocketed over the cliff into the Gorge of Eternal Peril along with Katsushiro.

"WAH! N-Nunky!!" Komachi's eyes watered, and she went up to the old bridge keeper, "You big jerk-face!! How dare you launch Nunky over the edge!!" She sobbed as she kicked the old man in the shins a couple of times before running across the bridge while he was hunched over in pain, "I'll save you Nunky!!"

There was a pause as they watched little Komachi climb down the cliff, before another blonde samurai stepped forth, his hair in an odd shape with three windmill like strands of hair sticking from the back of his head.

"Whaaat! Is your name?"

"Shichijiro."

"Whaaat! Is your quest?"

"Protecting Kanna Village from Bandits."

"Whaaat! Will you bring me if I let you pass?"

"How about some gold, and lots of the best rice in the world."

"Oh yay! You may pass," The old man beamed with delight, he's been awfully lonely and hungry stranded here guarding this bridge.

"Hup! Hup! Hup!"

A limbless Samurai managed to hop over in front of the bridge keeper.

"Whaaat! Is your name?"

"Gorobei, the entertainer!"

"Whaat! Is your quest?"

"To be the best entertainer in the world! I shall perform street shows, palace shows, and village shows!"

"…. Whaaaat! Is your method to cross this Bridge of Death?"

"First, I shall hop onto my hands, stand upside down, and walk across it backwards!!"

"Whaaat!?" The bridge keeper looked at him confused, "You have no limbs!"

"It's a flesh wound," Gorobei answered bluntly, "Fine then, should it please you, I will hop on my head!"

After struggling, Gorobei managed to stand on his head with no legs or arms, and "hup! Hup! Hup!" his way across the bridge.

"He gets my gold," The bridge keeper muttered amazed.

"STOP! Whom hath cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, where the other side he see."

"Go ahead bridge keeper," The final Samurai nodded in approval. He was dressed in white, held a sword that has known too much bloodshed, and thick hair descending in wavy patterns.

"Whaaat! Is your name?"

"I am Kambei."

"Whaaat! Is your quest?"

"To protect Kanna Village, and maybe finally see a victory."

"Whaaat! Is the terminal air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"What do you mean? An African or European swallow?"

"Huh? I… I don't know thaaaaaaa!" Suddenly, like the previous unfortunate Samurai, the bridge keeper was tossed into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

Kambei shrugged one shoulder, and then pressed across the bridge to meet with the rest that had made it over.

"Took a while Kambei," Shichijiro commented, "You'd think he'd learn to talk faster."

"Well, he won't ask anymore questions, so Shichijiro, you don't need to bring him anything."

The staff-wielding Samurai just gave him an odd look before nodding, "Shall we move on then?"

The rest agreed, and they began moving towards Kanna village, though Gorobei made a mental note to ask the villagers if that bridge had always been there.

"Hey!! Wait up, you guys!!" The familiar clunking, and steam escaping sounds reached their ears, followed by a young girl's voice.

"Don't leave Nunky behind!!"

"Kikunoji-dono?!" Heihachi blinked in surprised, showing more emotion that the rest of the samurai. "How did you get out?"

"Simple, I climbed it, because a great samurai does not quit!"

"Is… Is that Katsushiro?" Shichijiro asked, eyeing the unconscious body on Kikunoji's free shoulder, since Komachi was occupying one already.

"Huh? Oh yeah, it is!" Kikunoji laughed, "Seems I landed on him when he was climbing up. But we're all here now, so let's go save the village!"


End file.
